Sometimes I wish you could fast forward your life to see how everything ends up.

A long time ago (although really only about 6 years, which, granted, is a lot when you only have 22 years of life experience), I remember feeling like anything was possible. I remember thinking, almost on a daily basis, that everything would work out as it should. That the universe would put everything in order for me even if I couldn’t at the time figure out what that order was.

What I didn’t realize then was that the universe was fucking infuriating. That there is still a chance that the universe could have a grand plan for everyone in it (call it destiny, call it god, call it what you want), but when you are in the middle of wading through the shit in between, when you are trying to figure out what it is exactly that is going on is when you start to think that everything that you thought before was utter bullshit.

I’m not sure when I started becoming jaded. (Although I’m pretty sure that I can pinpoint the person who served as the catalyst for this reaction.) There are still spurts when I feel like everything will eventually work out for what it is supposed to be, but the muck of waiting is fucking miserable.

I am content with the path that my life has taken, but that isn’t to say that there aren’t things that I wish I could have done differently. That isn’t to say that I spend some of my time questioning the things that I gave up to be here, and whether in the long run, the opportunity cost will still be worth it.

Is this what it’s all about? Do you never really know if what you’re doing is the thing that you’re meant to do? What if there isn’t one thing that you’re meant to do, but many things that would lead you to have a perfectly happy life unless you were, in fact, able to see the result of a different path chosen?

I have to believe that I will end up in the life that I want. But I also cannot be naïve enough to believe that the life in which everyone ends up is the life that they always wanted for themselves. Someone has to end up at the end wondering “what if?”

It is one of my greatest fears that sixty years from now, I will find that I have ended up in the later category.