Failure to communicate

I’m sitting in silence.

“Est-ce que…” I say to begin a question, then allow my sentence to trail off when I realize I didn’t find the words in French for which I was searching.

“Oui?” the librarian sitting across from me pushes for me to finish my thought. But I’m at my third day in of getting up at 6 a.m. to go to work at a new job where it is fast becoming apparent is a job for which no amount of training could have completely prepared me. 

In general, I don’t say a lot in English-speaking countries. Even less when I’m tired. Currently, I’m exhausted and generally find myself in situations with people who only know how to say “Good morning” in English.

I spend a lot of my days with the thoughts in my head that I have forgotten how to communicate.

I don’t think what I would say is anything particularly spectacular or earth-shattering, but I would like to reclaim the ability to not look a spacey American who hardly ever understands what’s going on or has anything to say.

I might be glad I can’t understand what they’re saying about me.